Little mans off to Bulgaria

I've spent this afternoon packing my little mans suitcase ready for his holiday, bless him he's so excited that hes actually going to see some snow this christmas and mummy will get to know what its like to be a single nearly thirty woman!!! Plus I get to look forward to the day he comes home and we get to go to the panto two days before christmas, good times!

Other than this still living the dilemma of my love life but just going with the flow and taking things on a daily basis, watch this space....

Wheres the button to lower these barriers?????

Well I ended my last blog mentioning the issue my new relationship has brought up.

Where to start..........

Well the new man, I've known him for years he use to work in the pub I drank in. I remember the first time he served me he actually made me speechless he has the most amazing eyes and when he spoke to me he would look directly in my eyes, my stomach actually flipped! But over the years we just became friends and would chat when we were in the pub.

So a few weeks back he asked me to come out for a catch up drink and its turned into the beginnings of a relationship.


But....

I am seriously struggling with certain aspects of a relationship. I have lived on my own with my little boy for the last 6 to 6 and half years now. My mum said to me only a few months ago that I'm too independent to settle down now and I fear shes right.

I am starting to get that nagging feeling of being annoyed with him when he's around me too much or when he trys to help me do things! Which is obviously completely mad but the only thing I can put it down to is that I am so use to having my own space and doing things for myself so that when someone trys to do something for me I almost feel like they are doing it as they think I cant do it for myself, so then I end up having to prove a point that I'm not a helpless woman and if you can do it so can I!

So what I am trying to establish at the moment is am I too independent or is it that this is not the right person for me to be with? I'm thinking time will tell and while its deciding I need to take note of my issues and try and deal with them and let him do some things for me even if it is with gritted teeth, as I know he is only being like it to be kind and I do appreciate it I guess its time to work out where the button is to lower my barriers!

Busy busy busy!

Wow I dont know where the last few weeks have gone really its been so hectic but I guess its the time of year!

I've now managed to complete every bit of christmas shopping thank goodness!

The christmas decs are up, now that was a day of emotions running wild! Having got the tree down from the loft and out of the box I realised it was damaged after last year antics. This resulting in a major stroop of kicking empty boxes around and lots of crying and flashbacks. So it was decided not to try and fix the tree but to throw it out and buy a new tree and decorations to build new memorys from this year.

My little man is off to Bulgaria next week to visit his grandparents so I'm going to have a week off, not sure how this will pan out. More than likely I will enjoy the peace for two days and then feel at a complete loss and not know what to do with myself!

Things with previous said man are looking promising but has also raised some issues with myself which I will get into in another post as I am now being called to read Twas the night before christmas (the best christmas poem written) before bedtime.

Quick catch up

I have had a hectic few days but in a good way.

Sunday my son went off to have some Daddy time so this meant I could have some me time! I started the day with lunch at a nearby carvery with two very good friends of mine, and we completed it with a very lazy afternoon in the local pub sitting around gossiping, the perfect way to spend a Sunday afternoon! Followed by an evening out with a man!! Oh my god yes it is true what can I say I took the plunge again. It was a very lovely evening which ended up in me falling asleep on his sofa, but he just tucked me up and left me there till the morning which I must admit I found a very sweet thing to do after I had finished blushing.

Monday pretty uneventful I rang the court witness protection team and they just wanted conformation I was willing to stand up in court in front of my ex. Oh yes I am, roll on 13th January!

Tuesday having had a phone call informing me I didn't have to do the afternoon school run as Daddy was going to do it and then bring little man home the next morning I spent the day and evening with previous said man! We spent the day in town and yes I will admit it mainly in toy stores acting like kids it was fantastic and hilarious.

Today I have been babysitting for my friend C, I have spent the day cuddling feeding and changing the most adorable little baby. Oh and said man popped round for a cuppa as well................ watch this space who knows which way it will go.

I've been tagged!

Well I've been tagged to list 8 random things about me so here goes....................

I'm petrified of going up the ladder into the attic, I have no idea why and I try to force myself up the ladder but I only ever get so far and I have to slowly edge back down!

I believe in life after death, I have been to see a medium on two occasions and I am a strong believer that the people I have lost are always around me giving me strength when I'm struggling.

I can't eat carrots if they are cut a certain way as they remind me of my childhood at my fathers house, I know completely crazy! But my mum finds it hilarious!

I can be extremely hyper and will do pretty much anything just to have a laugh. As long as its not hurting anyone obviously.

I'm a complete night owl, I will happily stay up all night whether I'm tired or not but as soon as the morning comes I would curl up and go to sleep in seconds quite happily.

I find it really hard to talk about myself and except compliments, even this is a struggle!

I love sex and always like to try new experiences, I draw the line at somethings but I love to have a healthy interesting sex life.

I'm a deep thinker and always ask questions about life and people, I like to understand how things work I guess.

So now I need to decide who to tag which I'm going to have to do a bit later on

Things are about to change around here

Thankfully the phone calls turned into nothing other than the phone constantly ringing till a stupid time in the morning. Unfortunately its brought up some very well hidden anxiety's and I have to admit I'm jumping at little noise's but I'm trying to look at in a positive light, if they are there they need to be dealt with and I feel like I'm in the right place to tackle them head on now.

The most eventful thing that has happened today is my little man falling flat on his face and splitting his lip open, luckily it looks worse than it is and he is fine. All I can say is who needs botox for a top lip like Angelina Jolie. Of course he's been spoilt to a trip to my friend C's house for a dinner of KFC, so his world maybe a little bumped and bruised but its a happy place again!

So my plan for tomorrow is lunch with friends and a day all about me as the little man is off for a day of fun with Daddy.

Everything else bring it on I'm ready and things are about to change round here!

The calm before the storm

Well I didn't think I was going to find anything to write about today, and then this afternoon decides to bring oh such joy.

I missed a phone call today because I've been running around doing chores, when I finally picked up the message it was from the courts witness protecion unit reference the court case against my ex (from last christmas). The court case will be in January seems to of come so quickly considering when they told me I couldn't believe that it wasn't going to be over for a year! So I made the decision I will return the call on Monday as I have had such a relaxing week and it didn't sound urgent. Kind of put me on a bit of a downer though just re-living memorys again! which I am attempting not to do.

So while we are having a nice dinner together catching up on the school day, the phone keeps ringing, but I leave it to deal with once we have finished.

Clear away the dinner things....go tackle the phone calls......caller ID ........... oh................ the ex! My whole body felt like it was on firer the anxiety pretty unbearable but I attempt to calm myself down as my son is giving me a questioning look.

The phone keeps ringing even now but I'm ignoring it as much as I can. I presume he had a call from the courts as well and its triggered it all off again. I am just hoping and praying he isn't going to decide to turn up on my doorstep.

Let you know tomorrow I guess...................heres hoping

The buzz of other peoples happiness

I'd like to start by saying thank you for taking the time to read my blog and leaving comments it is very much appreciated.

I have had an uneventful week so far, peaceful and happy. I'm keeping a strong hold on that piece of wood though!

I've spent the last few days enjoying my son and catching up with friends, its been the most amazing week considering nothing major has actually happened.

On Saturday my son and I went to watch the Christmas lights get switched on with my best friend C and her family. I love that feeling you get from all the excitement and the community spirit that seems to be pulsing through the town and then to top it all the joy and happiness I can see shining out of my sons eyes and the beaming smile plastered across his face as he counts down 10...9....8. The anticipation I see in him as he counts with Santa. He gasped as the lights went on and the fireworks started. There it is the meaning of my life all bottled up in one little man bursting with excitement.

After the event we strolled back to my friends house and her partner cooked us a wonderful meal as the two boys played star wars with their new light sticks from the carnival. My friend has just had a little boy he is now 6 weeks old and this was the first opportunity that we'd had to catch up on the mum stuff! This is her first child but she is step mother to a nine year old boy as well. As we're sat there gossiping away talking babys and nappys I see it, that sparkle of unexplainable unconditional love as she looks at her little boy. That love you feel in your heart has got to be the most beautiful emotion. I can't believe the rush I feel then knowing the joy my best friend of 20 years is feeling. It really does have to be one of the most amazing scenes, a mother with her new born baby.

So I've checked in with other friends all pretty standard really being the Christmas season, happiness and excitement all round.

I have two friends that aren't so good right now both going through break ups and not in the best of places right now. I've spent a lot of time talking to them this week, just general chit chat and catching up with a bit of banter and madness thrown in on my side, this is the point I thank my Dad for my dry slightly insane sense of humour.

Even though they are both in such sad places right now they have brought me a huge sense of joy. Both of them have used the words, thank you so much you have really cheered me up I didn't think it was possible for me to actually smile anymore. Wow the rush of warmth from making other people feel some kind of happiness. What a buzz.

So I would like to say thank you to my friends for letting me share their happiness with them, it really is a privilege and yes I will admit that other peoples happiness really does bring you happiness.

Do we teach people how to treat us?

My friend asked this question last night do we teach people how to treat us?

I look at the people around me and wonder why they all treat me differently, as if I'm a different person to each one of them.

My younger brother now a big muscle bound gym fanatic, he's seven years younger than me and we have always been really close. I'm almost a second mother to him in a way but maybe its just the way older sisters are with their brothers. We have such a strong bond and he will always tell me he loves me no matter who he's with. If either of us have any problems we turn to each other. He split up with his long term girlfriend a little while ago and it broke his heart he would tell me he couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel and I would always try and reassure him it will be better in time. He would answer but your so much stronger than me you cope with anything thats thrown at you.......Do I or is that just the way you like to see me little bro? Or is it just the way i've wanted my little brother to see me so that he knows that theres always someone there that can help him deal with life?

My best friend C I think she is the one that understands the real me, but then we have known each other for twenty years and experienced a lot of highs and lows together. She sees that I get scared and I worry but eventually, maybe with a bit of a push I'll tackle everything head on. She understands I get lonely but also understands that I can deal with this and I am genuinely happy being the way I am.

My parents view me as independent and stubborn but worry constantly that we're ok.

I've had friends that have basically taken me for a mug but I've managed to see this and delete them from being in my life.

Last October I started a relationship, with an amazing person could this finally be mr right??? Things went well I relaxed and let the barriers down, let this man look after me. Looking back now I see how he slowly manipulated me, I'm not sure thats the right thing to wear out, I feel uncomfortable when you talk to that man etc etc for such a switched on independent person I didn't notice it happening. Christmas eve arrives and we get to go out as my son is staying with his dad (another person that sees me as a strong woman) we have a good night I feel comfortable we mingle. We catch a taxi home and his friend rings to make sure we have got home ok as my b/f is drunk. He turns round to me and makes the strangest statement he is ringing because you are having an affair with him! Don't be stupid I say hes your best friend I've only met him a handful of times. This is the start of the worst night and christmas of my life he attacks me as if I was another man constantly pounding me with his fist, his hands round my throat till things start going fuzzy, I have everything movable thrown at me including the christmas tree. some how I manage to get him out of my house, even to this day I have no idea how I managed to do this. He's outside the front door kicking it to try and get back in. The first person I ring my little brother, I was hysterical and yet he manages to calm me enough to get me to ring the police and he makes his way over to mine as quickly as he can. By the time he gets here the b/f now no where to be seen as I hear the police sirens I know its over and look at the demolition site that was my home. My brother stays with me that night and my best friend comes christmas day morning to help clear the mess and make my house look normal for a "happy" christmas day before my son comes home to unwrap his presents.

I'm battered, bruised and in a complete state of confusion. My son returns home and here I go the image of a perfect day in a perfect home. I'm so glad he doesn't have any idea of what that "man" did to his mummy. That time of year is coming again and I adore christmas I get more excited than most children, this year I do have a underlying fear, the flashbacks return the smell of christmas everything about christmas. This year I'm going to make it the best christmas ever no matter how scared I am inside as there is nothing to be scared of this year!

All these people still see me as a strong independent woman that can cope with everything, and yet I was a soft easily manipulated person to someone else. But then was I he only got away with it once. I'm glad these people see me as strong as I want them to know they can turn to me with anything. Is this the way I've taught them to see me? Probably.

So is it us that teaches people how to treat us? I think so I think we act differently around different people and then they react to that by treating us a certain way and we end up conforming to the situation.

Sometimes we're good teachers and occasionally we can be bad teachers. But then we're only pupils in this life anyway so who says we have to get it right every time?

Who I am and where I've come from

I thought I should make the slight effort of describing my life so far, obviously without going into extreme detail because lets face it that would be ridiculously mind numbing! I guess it may get long winded but I feel its important for me to do, so I'm understood slightly and why I have the views I have.

I was brought into the world in 1979 by my beautifully amazing mother, I already had my older brother waiting for me. Unfortunately by this stage my father was living two lives and involved in a long term affair. Of course through my childhood I never knew the full extent of what my father had done to my mother but I always grew up not particularly liking him and avoiding going to see him after they had split up, I guess deep down I always knew. I now know he had an affair for years and he wasn't around very much always claiming to be working, but not on what he should of been working on! My mother discovered his affair thanks to my uncle (my fathers brother) having the guts to tell her, she divorced him when I was two. Then the most fantastic man came into my life my stepdad my Dad! My father has done nothing for me over the years through times of hardship and pain he has never stepped forward and been my dad, this is why I will always refer to him as my father. My dad is my stepdad he has done everything in his power for me and my older brother and lets face it he didn't have to. So over the years my mum met my stepdad and they had a little boy together and my father married his mistress and they had two boys together.

My school years were extremely uneventful, not bullied etc just the normal odd falling out with friends over what now seem like the most ridiculous things. I guess I was rebellious but always respected my parents at the same time never pushing them too far.

At age 14 the world decided to show me it does actually have times it completely sucks. My friend is found hanging.........the pain so so strong and at such a young age how we all dealt with this I will never understand and why he felt the need to kill himself at such a young age I will never be able to get my head round he has missed out on so much but in my heart I hope he is living our lives with us.

So life continues. At the age of 18 I meet a man we eventually live together and again the world is the best place to be so much happiness.

But oh no reality check for you young lady, my Grandad (the one I completely adored) gets diagnosed with cancer and after only a few months he is taken away from us. My handsome loving grandad the man who would take me in his arms and dance around the room with me for hours on end..........gone. That pain returns grief is such a body consuming thing surely I shouldn't be feeling this at again such a young age.

The world decides that it doesn't want the pain to stop at this point, me and my man are up getting ready to go on holiday that day and the phone rings........you need to come to the phone now! Hello........... my legs buckle beneath me engulfed with emotions so uncontrollable. My best friend for the past five years had been killed in a car crash the night before, the night before he was suppose to be getting married! Another important person to me just taken away in seconds. At this point my world felt destroyed how could I keep feeling this pain and keep on living?

But I did and great joy came into my life my adorable son, he is my world and my only regrets are that he will never get to meet these amazing people from my life, he's seven now and he knows all about these people our beautiful angels that watch over us and keep us safe.

I am no longer with his father we split shortly after I had him but we were together five years in the end and are great friends now and we are trying to give our son the most amazing life he can have.

So to summarize I have four brothers a fantastic mum and dad, a not so great father who I have nothing to do with, which yes I guess does bother me and sometimes hurts but then I look at the people who have brought me up and god I must be one lucky person. I've felt great pain and lost some of the greatest people in my life but also have had great times and the joy of bringing life into this world and had the support of people that care so much for me and my son. Life really is a rollercoaster but i'm sure as hell not asking for it to stop so I can get off.

RIP baby p and all the children that have been through such awful things

I know I have already written a blog today but sitting here watching the heartbreaking story of little baby P I have to just write this.

Rest in peace little ones what you all went through in your short short lives breaks my heart. My tears are for the pain you went through I hope you are at peace now and in the arms of angels xxxx

Breathing space = Thinking space

So todays been pretty uneventful (touch wood) compared to the last few weeks, finally a bit of breathing space. But the thing with breathing space is it brings thinking space as well!

My thoughts today have been all over the place, a very day dreamy day, possibly just my brains way of dealing with everything so it can be put in that little box and shove it to the back with everything else you don't want to think about anymore.

First waking thought obviously being coffee, but as I am sat there drinking the coffee the brain comes into action (why does it do this why not leave me in peace??? my haze of sleepiness was so much nicer).

But these things keep cropping up so lets deal with them:

Is A ok? Is everything working out for him now? are they finally getting to a happier place? Do I ever enter his head? Do I want to be entering his head, surely this would not be a good for their relationship now? Truth being I do hope he's happy why wouldn't I, I want their relationship to be happy and rosey and everything people dream a relationship to be. But then that little nag at the back of my head I wonder if eventually we could of had that?............ no that thought has to be erased NOW! never to return (heres betting it returns but hey).

That issue dealt with.............for today, slightly less questions being asked this time fingers crossed, it may not be there every day soon.

So I move on to my emails. Nothing interesting all very average. Facebook catch up with what friends are doing, all status changes pretty much the norm except one, my friend J just going through a pretty messy breakup of a four year relationship shes not a happy girl judging by this one today. I initiate a bit of banter and try and get her smiling, she tells me I have cheered her up but of course I know that deep down I haven't, only time is going to help that pain.

I told her she doesn't need to tell me whats happened I just need to know thats shes as ok as can be expected. She gives me a brief outline of what appears to be gossips spreading rumours about herself and her ex and what they have both apparently been up to, these rumours obviously not helping their current situation at all.

So my main thoughts today Why do people feel the need to get involved in other peoples problems? why feel they have any right to judge other peoples situations? would everything not be easier if people cared more about other people instead of trying to be the first to butt in and make things harder?

I try and not judge other peoples actions, I may not understand why they do things but who am I to judge after all we are all human, surely we all do things wrong in our lives without meaning to hurt other people? and wouldn't the world be a boring place if we were all smiley happy people all the time?

The world is full of joy and pain maybe we could try and be there for each other through the good bits and bad bits.

It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for what you are not.

When your thinking of me I'm thinking of you!

So today brought pretty much nothing other than a day of laziness and spoiling myself, and why not we may as well ourselves as the chances of someone else doing it may be slim!

S didn't visit this happens he has his own settled life now who am I to demand he comes and listens to my problems. This being my past love life I have more recent romances that enter my head when I wake in the morning!

So although there always seems to be this underlying issue with S we have both decided we need to get on with out lives and see if there is someone else out there for us. So here being the thing that bugs me today and has been for the last few days or so.

Have you ever met someone and had such a strong connection with them you can talk the night away?

I did three weeks ago one lazy afternoon whilst catching up with friends on facebook up pops an offer..........to except or not: Do you have plans this evening would you like to come out for a drink with me?

The message being from A someone I know but not overly well. I sit and contemplate the offer do I go???

Some background on A he is slightly older than me now single but was previously in a relationship with a woman he has a 6 year old child with. They split up a few months ago now and she lives in her new house apparently dating other people.

My background I've just come out of (well a good ten months ago) a relationship that unfortunately ended in domestic violence, it was a short relationship but obviously the way it ended has effected me but I'm dealing with my issues quite well considering (I think).

So I decide its a drink nothing else, I do know A if I don't go I will only be sat in watching some awful programme on telly. I met him in a pub we both know, it turned out to be a fantastic evening we exchange numbers.

A texts me everyday and we arrange to do the same a few days later, again a fantastic evening. We spend the night together, but with nothing sexual! Just lots of cuddles and kisses, the way its meant to be!

The next day he rings me to tell me that he has told his ex he has been on a few dates with someone and its going really well. She doesn't take the news as well as expected and considering I know she has been out on dates with men and it has lead down the sex route (I heard this from the horse mouth) I find the news of her reaction worrying.

Another night with A just laying in his arms made me feel safe, but still never pushing me for anything more. But his ex now is completely unhappy about the situation and begging him for them to start again. Ok time for me to take a deep breath, I have morals, theres a child involved my feelings should not come into this. I take the plunge.......... if you feel you could both make this work you have to try! the reply: No our relationship was toxic it had turned into arguing and affairs (on her side) we've tried and tried I don't want to be with her!

I think in my heart I had taken a step back by this point but still seeing what an amazing guy A was he appreciated every silly thing that I did like getting up and making him a coffee in the morning, most men don't notice these things! (no offence) I made the decision that this should not turn into a physical relationship until things calmed down, if they did! We see each other a few more times he would ring me and tell me he was missing me and we would talk for hours on the phone and yet never ever pushing me for something physical. We spent another night together but this time his ex was constantly ringing hysterical and drunk I can't understand how she can have affairs when she apparently loves someone so much. I tell him over and over again if its fixable you should try (my heart in my throat). He leaves the next morning his parting statement I miss you when I'm not near you I love your smell and touching you. When you think of me I'll be thinking of you! We seem to have such a connection. He rang me, he thought he should go and try and have a civilized conversation with her and try to clear things he was sure it was just a case of she didn't want him but no one else could! I agree its the best thing half knowing what our next conversation was going to be.

I sit and wait, physically not being able to move.......... the phone rings, i feel sick and answer. Hey....... you ok........ the reply: I think you know what I'm going to say, I'm going to try for the childs sake she says she will change. Ok i say its the right thing to do you have my full support bye.

Thats it the end all contacts cut as I feel it wouldn't be fair. I understand he has to try, but I do sit and wonder does she love him or was it she just couldn't handle him being with someone else? Can you truely love someone and have numerous affairs? Can you truely love someone and sleep with their best friend and then rub it in their face and see the pain and laugh? I understand people work differently but this I do struggle to get my head round, maybe its just another learning curve who knows. All I know is I wouldn't want to hurt anyones feelings and I felt bad that she took the relationship with me so badly. I also find it amazing that I could have such a strong connection with someone and there be nothing physical, maybe this was the lesson?

Don't get me wrong I don't fall in love very easily I go on dates with nice guys and I don't feel a connection. I wouldn't sit here and say that I was in love with him at all but there was something strong there that pulled us together. The world works in mysterious ways.

I borrowed a book off of him and I know under the circumstances he won't be able to pick it up, but its been signed and a personal message to him and I know how much it means to him he asked me to read it so I could understand his life before I knew him. I've decided that the best thing to do is to keep it safe for him what else can I do? Burn it out of revenge? I couldn't and don't have the heart to be like that. I will probably be looking after it for a long time but I don't have it in my heart not to.

Did he really feel the connection as well? I would like to think so I'm a good judge of character normally and his kisses felt like they came with feelings and I don't think that can be faked? Or am I just holding out hope I haven't been taken on a ride?

Will she be able to change can people ever change that much after 5 affairs? Maybe but I'm really not so sure. We are who we are after all life wouldn't be the same if we were all the same. I hope he doesn't get hurt anymore.

So the big question is he thinking of me when I'm thinking of him??????? I (maybe stupidly) hope so.

Could they not of told us life would be so complicated?

They say that what happens to us in life is what makes us who we are. I suppose they are right but do you ever wonder if that maybe one day we could just be given a break and that just today could we just be who we are without any outside influence? Without people trying to make us something we don't actually want to be.

Why have I made the decision to air my thoughts and feelings on the internet? Because I have discovered over the years that if you do write things down they become so much easier to understand. For some reason when you try to speak to someone it never seems to come out the way you want it to, and you can always be sure that someone somewhere could be having the same experiences as you.

So here I am a Sunday afternoon sat wondering when did it all get so complicated?

Waiting for S to come round, although he isn't mine and could possibly never be mine, things in both our lives over the last 9 years have put stop to us being together, but does that mean we aren't suppose to be together or maybe just not yet? I guess till it happens we will never know and until that time (if that time ever occurs of course) we will always be in each others lives as friends, best friends maybe as we always seem to support each other no matter what. Which of course raises the question is this all we are meant to be to each other? If you love something let it go if it comes back its yours forever. Although we don't appear to be coming back to each other, is this so that we become the people we need to be to be together? or just the opposite? Don't get me wrong nothing happens in any sexual way or any way that could hurt other people in our lives, neither of us are the sort of people that could hurt anyone else! and please remember if your sat there thinking yeah right I have no reason to lie on here so the truth will always be written.

I've always said if I could go back to my school years but knowing exactly what I know now maybe things would be different. But in the actual reality of things they probably wouldn't be and would I actually want them to be different? Who knows hindsight is a beautiful thing!

So who am I?

I'm a 29 year old woman, although even this feels a strange thing to call myself, I still feel I'm a girl a woman is my mother surely? I've been through the ups and downs of life and wonder if maybe one day I could have more ups and a few less downs.................please? Should I really have lived through so many experiences at what some people would class as a young age? But of course in my own mind with the big 30 creeping up on me at a high rate of knots I don't feel that I should be classed as young! But I'm sure in years to come I will look back at this statement and think god you were so young!

My blogs are not going to be on any particular subject other than me and my life the people around me and the things that bring me pain and joy. I am no writer and English was never my strong point at school, but then I'm not sure anything was my strong point at school except maybe a quick ciggy behind the bike sheds! Welcome to the roller coaster it could be interesting it could be boring who knows lets see what the world has in store for me..............