So today brought pretty much nothing other than a day of laziness and spoiling myself, and why not we may as well ourselves as the chances of someone else doing it may be slim!
S didn't visit this happens he has his own settled life now who am I to demand he comes and listens to my problems. This being my past love life I have more recent romances that enter my head when I wake in the morning!
So although there always seems to be this underlying issue with S we have both decided we need to get on with out lives and see if there is someone else out there for us. So here being the thing that bugs me today and has been for the last few days or so.
Have you ever met someone and had such a strong connection with them you can talk the night away?
I did three weeks ago one lazy afternoon whilst catching up with friends on facebook up pops an offer..........to except or not: Do you have plans this evening would you like to come out for a drink with me?
The message being from A someone I know but not overly well. I sit and contemplate the offer do I go???
Some background on A he is slightly older than me now single but was previously in a relationship with a woman he has a 6 year old child with. They split up a few months ago now and she lives in her new house apparently dating other people.
My background I've just come out of (well a good ten months ago) a relationship that unfortunately ended in domestic violence, it was a short relationship but obviously the way it ended has effected me but I'm dealing with my issues quite well considering (I think).
So I decide its a drink nothing else, I do know A if I don't go I will only be sat in watching some awful programme on telly. I met him in a pub we both know, it turned out to be a fantastic evening we exchange numbers.
A texts me everyday and we arrange to do the same a few days later, again a fantastic evening. We spend the night together, but with nothing sexual! Just lots of cuddles and kisses, the way its meant to be!
The next day he rings me to tell me that he has told his ex he has been on a few dates with someone and its going really well. She doesn't take the news as well as expected and considering I know she has been out on dates with men and it has lead down the sex route (I heard this from the horse mouth) I find the news of her reaction worrying.
Another night with A just laying in his arms made me feel safe, but still never pushing me for anything more. But his ex now is completely unhappy about the situation and begging him for them to start again. Ok time for me to take a deep breath, I have morals, theres a child involved my feelings should not come into this. I take the plunge.......... if you feel you could both make this work you have to try! the reply: No our relationship was toxic it had turned into arguing and affairs (on her side) we've tried and tried I don't want to be with her!
I think in my heart I had taken a step back by this point but still seeing what an amazing guy A was he appreciated every silly thing that I did like getting up and making him a coffee in the morning, most men don't notice these things! (no offence) I made the decision that this should not turn into a physical relationship until things calmed down, if they did! We see each other a few more times he would ring me and tell me he was missing me and we would talk for hours on the phone and yet never ever pushing me for something physical. We spent another night together but this time his ex was constantly ringing hysterical and drunk I can't understand how she can have affairs when she apparently loves someone so much. I tell him over and over again if its fixable you should try (my heart in my throat). He leaves the next morning his parting statement I miss you when I'm not near you I love your smell and touching you. When you think of me I'll be thinking of you! We seem to have such a connection. He rang me, he thought he should go and try and have a civilized conversation with her and try to clear things he was sure it was just a case of she didn't want him but no one else could! I agree its the best thing half knowing what our next conversation was going to be.
I sit and wait, physically not being able to move.......... the phone rings, i feel sick and answer. Hey....... you ok........ the reply: I think you know what I'm going to say, I'm going to try for the childs sake she says she will change. Ok i say its the right thing to do you have my full support bye.
Thats it the end all contacts cut as I feel it wouldn't be fair. I understand he has to try, but I do sit and wonder does she love him or was it she just couldn't handle him being with someone else? Can you truely love someone and have numerous affairs? Can you truely love someone and sleep with their best friend and then rub it in their face and see the pain and laugh? I understand people work differently but this I do struggle to get my head round, maybe its just another learning curve who knows. All I know is I wouldn't want to hurt anyones feelings and I felt bad that she took the relationship with me so badly. I also find it amazing that I could have such a strong connection with someone and there be nothing physical, maybe this was the lesson?
Don't get me wrong I don't fall in love very easily I go on dates with nice guys and I don't feel a connection. I wouldn't sit here and say that I was in love with him at all but there was something strong there that pulled us together. The world works in mysterious ways.
I borrowed a book off of him and I know under the circumstances he won't be able to pick it up, but its been signed and a personal message to him and I know how much it means to him he asked me to read it so I could understand his life before I knew him. I've decided that the best thing to do is to keep it safe for him what else can I do? Burn it out of revenge? I couldn't and don't have the heart to be like that. I will probably be looking after it for a long time but I don't have it in my heart not to.
Did he really feel the connection as well? I would like to think so I'm a good judge of character normally and his kisses felt like they came with feelings and I don't think that can be faked? Or am I just holding out hope I haven't been taken on a ride?
Will she be able to change can people ever change that much after 5 affairs? Maybe but I'm really not so sure. We are who we are after all life wouldn't be the same if we were all the same. I hope he doesn't get hurt anymore.
So the big question is he thinking of me when I'm thinking of him??????? I (maybe stupidly) hope so.